


I'm Sorry

by AshsHorrorShow



Series: How He Affected Us [2]
Category: Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: Anger, Angst, Dialogue Heavy, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Part of a Series But You Don't Have to Read the First Part to Get This, Resentment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 05:46:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14743089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshsHorrorShow/pseuds/AshsHorrorShow
Summary: Leopardstar didn't know why she was doing this.





	I'm Sorry

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of my series, How He Affected Us, however, you can read this part alone and you'll do just fine!

‘This is so mouse-brained,’ Leopardstar thought to herself, as she padded further and further away from RiverClan camp. ‘My Clan needs me and I’m wasting my time on this.’ But despite these negative thoughts, she continued moving forward. She knew as ridiculous as this mission was, she needed it. She had needed it for a while now, and unless she got it over with, she was not going to be able to rest comfortably at night. Mistyfoot could run the camp for now. She was a responsible cat. Besides, Leopardstar didn’t intend to be gone long.

She continued going deeper in the wooded area by the territory until she reached a large rock. She had reached her destination. She sat herself primly in front of it, her back straight, tail curled neatly around her paws. For a moment, she was silent, only the sound of birdsong filling the air. She opened her mouth to speak, only to close it once more, a feeling of embarrassment heating up her fur. She couldn’t help but feel like a fool. After all, she was essentially going to be speaking to nothing. It wasn’t like the cat she intended this message for was going to reply. He couldn’t. He was dead. She would essentially be talking to air. 

The urge to turn around and run back to camp and acting like nothing happened became all the more tempting. But she rooted herself in place. The faster she did this, the faster it was over. She just had to hope no cat had secretly followed her to see what she was doing. They would think she had lost her mind.

After taking a deep breath and clearing her throat, she meowed, “Hello, Hawkfrost.”

Silence, as she suspected. She mulled over her next few words for a moment, trying to ignore the building awkwardness and discomfort festering inside her. When she finally found the words, she continued, “I didn’t think your death would affect me the way it did. I’ve lost many Clanmates in my lifetime. Many honorable cats who deserve hearing personal words from me more than you ever will. However, for some reason, even after speaking on your behalf at the funeral, I didn’t feel… complete, I suppose. Every day I feel distracted, angry, and betrayed. You somehow managed to affect me. I am still not quite sure how.”

“I tried to keep it down, figuring it was just my own way of coping with things, but lately, I’ve noticed I’ve gotten a bit short with my Clanmates. I snapped at Voletooth for simply looking at me for a moment.” She still felt a flicker of guilt at how terrified the small tom had looked when she had done that. Turning an accusing glare at the rock now, she swished her tail in the dirt and said, “For whatever reason, your death was affecting my leadership. And I figured part of it may be because I have some unfinished business with you. So here we are.”

Once again, she was met with silence. Could he even hear her? She knew StarClan cats could listen down on their Clanmates. But was he even in StarClan? She couldn’t imagine StarClan letting in a fox-hearted murderer. 

She sighed. It didn’t matter where he was. She doubted whatever she said would even matter to him. She was doing this for herself. Though, she still felt the need to be honest. 

Her golden gaze now sullen, she meowed, “I hope you know that I had expected so much better to come from you.”

“I admit, the fact that I allowed Mothwing, Sasha, and you join my Clan in the first place was out of purely selfish reasons. I wanted to repent for some of my past crimes.” Looking down at her paws, she continued, “As much as I hate to admit it, I was not to different from you in the past. Blinded by ambition, and a desire to make RiverClan more powerful, I allowed myself to be deluded by your father, and in the process, I not only almost got RiverClan destroyed, but I hurt cats.”

Memories of Stonefur came flashing to her mind and she found herself wincing, her claws springing unbidden out of her paws. Forcing herself to sheath them again, she said, “Cats who mattered to me. Cats who were loyal. Cats whose only crime was being Half-Clan.”

Emotion and remorse overtook her, and she remained silent for a moment to collect her bearings. Even to a dead cat, her pride didn’t want her to show weakness. She still had yet to learn that grief wasn’t necessarily a weakness, despite how much her father, Mudfur, lectured her on that topic. 

Once she was sure that she had gathered her bearings, she continued, “Once your father had died and I had once again taken control of RiverClan, I had never felt weaker. I’d almost let my Clan be destroyed, my Clanmates rightfully didn’t completely trust me anymore, and we were all battered from the war with BloodClan.” 

“I could see things were not looking good. That is when I decided that something needed to change. _I_ needed to change.” 

“When your mother had shown up with you and Mothwing in tow, begging for your entry, I admit, I was a bit hesitant. Part of me had wanted to say no. Even after the incident with Stonefur, I still feel hesitant about cats outside of the Clan, I admit. Besides, after having let ShadowClan infest the camp, I knew my Clanmates were probably not going to be eager for me to let in a bunch of rogues in.”

Looking up at the light blue sky, she said, “But then I realized that your mother’s arrival might’ve just been a blessing in disguise. StarClan’s gift to me. My one chance to make amends. It seemed all too perfect to _not_ be destiny.”

Looking back down at the stone, she felt her tail tip twitch as she said, “Plus, I admit, when your mother looked me in the eye and asked for sanctuary in our Clan, I had to admit, her bravery affected me.” 

She remembered the determination in the she-cat’s face, how she didn’t yield or back down from the growls and glares her Clanmates were giving her. She knew that had to be terrifying for her. The poor cat didn’t even look like she could fight a rat, much less a warrior. However, she had stood protectively in front of her kits and stared Leopardstar in the eye, her voice clear. Leopardstar couldn’t help but dredge up respect for her. Most warriors wouldn’t even be able to show that much courage.

She also remembered seeing the tiredness and sadness in Sasha’s eyes and it had startled her somewhat. Sasha only seemed a handful of seasons older than her, but yet it seemed like that times had aged the she-cat quite a bit. She knew somewhat now what Sasha had been through, but at the time, it had been a mystery. All she could see was that this was a mother who faced too many hardships in her life and was now beaten to the point of exhaustion. 

Even though she had perked up considerably when Leopardstar had let her stay and she had gotten some food and watched her kits grow up, that tiredness never seemed to leave her eyes fully. 

Respect now flooding through her again, she continued, “I could see that she’d been through a lot and probably wanted to turn tail and run, but her determination to keep you two safe meant more to her than her own safety. It’s still a shame to me she never wanted to stay and join as a true warrior. She had a fighting spirit within her.”

She wondered where Sasha was now. The tiredness that had still hung in Sasha’s eyes when she had said her goodbyes to Hawkfrost and Mothwing made Leopardstar shudder. That was the look that sick cats gave others when they knew they were about to die soon. She hoped that wasn’t the case. She hoped that somehow, even through the remains of what had been the old forest, that Sasha had managed to find a life for herself.

If Sasha was still alive somewhere out there, she wondered if the she-cat ever thought about the Clans and her kits. The thought made her throat tighten. 

“But now that I think about it more thoroughly, perhaps it is better that she hadn’t decided to make the Great Journey with us. I think it would’ve broken her heart to see what you devolved into. You certainly hurt your sister.” Her words came out angrier than she intended them to, her tail swishing in the dirt once more. She forced herself to remain calm.

This “talk” was actually more emotionally taxing than she thought it would be. Mudfur had often criticized her for holding back her emotions, and she had always disregarded him as being the worrywart he was. Now though, she was starting to see legitimacy in what he said. She felt like she was cracking all over one cat. 

Sighing, she said, “I always had the feeling you and Mothwing were Tigerstar’s kits.You both resemble him quite a bit, you especially. I had my doubts, given how strongly your father felt about cats fraternizing outside of the Clan, but I guess it wouldn’t be beyond him to be a hypocrite as well.” 

“I became more suspicious at your mother’s reluctance to admit who your father was. She would only vaguely say that he was a bad tom who she was glad to have out of her life.” 

“Part of me considered demanding it out of her, but I thought it would be rude. Besides, Tigerstar was dead and you two were both too young to truly know him, so I let it pass.”

“As you two grew up though, I heard my Clanmates begin to have the same suspicions. They could see a lot of him within you two, but you especially. Not only did you look incredibly like him, save only minor differences, but you were also ambitious. I started to see that you were making cats nervous when you began squeaking about wanting to become the next leader of RiverClan.”

Flicking an ear, she admitted, “Of course, it is perfectly normal for most kits to want to be leader, but you _weren’t_ a normal kit. You were possibly the kit of Tigerstar.” 

“But I decided no matter who your father was, be it Tigerstar or some other nasty tom, I would not let you become him. I thought I could control your fate myself. And I believed it possible. I saw the bond you and your sister had when you were kits, I saw the way Sasha believed in you. I don’t think any kit is born evil. Besides, I reminded myself of that Brambleclaw character in ThunderClan. He looks even more like his father than you did, and he wound up being a fine cat.”

Narrowing her eyes and shuffling her feet, she said, “When I saw that you and him seemed rather close at Gatherings, I admit, I was a tad nervous. I have had a tom leave RiverClan because of relations in ThunderClan.”

A flicker of annoyance shot through her at the memory of Graystripe. RiverClan had been kind enough to let him in, and he decided to betray them during battle? 

She shook her head. Focus, focus. 

“But again, I decided to let you two continue to talk. I figured your loyalty to RiverClan had been made clear at that point and that he’d be a good influence on you.”

An awkward pause settled over her as she remembered seeing him at the blood-stained lake. When she found her voice again, she said, “Instead, he ended up being the one to kill you.”

“Deciding your mentor had been hard. I almost made it Stormfur or Feathertail. After all, they were both Half-Clan, but they were also good and loyal Clanmates. I thought they’d be good influences on you. However, I thought the fact that you were both Half-Clan would make you all feel like you were being targeted, not only by me, but by the rest of my Clanmates.”

“So then I considered Mosspelt. She was kind and sweet, but also a talented warrior. I thought maybe if I gave her to you, you could calm down a bit and cats would trust you more. However, pretty soon after I began considering her, she wrenched her paw and was incapacitated for a while. I didn’t think it’d be fair to give you a mentor who had to be off-duty for a fair amount of time. So then that left me once again contemplating what I had to do next.”

“And then it came to me. I should do it. I could lead you on the path of the right. Sure there would be cats who would sneer about why you deserved to be apprenticed by the leader, but it would be worth it in the end. I figured I could shape you to be a good warrior and prove every cat wrong about you. Besides, I hadn’t had an apprentice since Whiteclaw, and I missed mentoring. So I decided right then and there that I would take you under my wing as an apprentice.”

She remembered the apprentice ceremony, watching as both Hawkfrost and Mothwing’s eyes had lit up with absolute shock when she had announced who his mentor would be. It had almost made her laugh at the time, but the need to be professional won out in the end. 

“And if it means anything to you, I thought you were a great apprentice. You listened well, had a good personality, and didn’t goof off too much. If you were struggling with something, you’d practice and practice until you got it down perfectly. A lot of cats couldn’t handle me as a mentor. I admit, I can be mean and strict at the worst of times. However, you took everything in stride. When I criticized your technique, you would just give me a look of determination and say that you would prove me wrong. And you ended up impressing me enough that I decided both you and your sister could be made into warriors, at least, until your sister decided that ultimately the path of the medicine cat was the right one for her.” 

Memories of a young Hawkpaw trying to wrestle her to the ground, his movements swift and quick as he tried to get her down. She remembered how much pride shown in his eyes when he actually managed to knock her feet out from under her. She still felt a feeling of fondness towards that young cat from back then. That cat didn’t feel like the same one that was buried here now. But he was and that was hard for her mind to comprehend.

That happy apprentice in her mind had become a cruel, fox-hearted, murderer. 

“And for a while, I thought things really were going well with you. Your Clanmates had by then seen how much of an asset you and your sister were to the Clan and had grudgingly accepted you as members of the Clan. Cats were comfortable around you. You were a good warrior too. You always made sure to bring back catches whenever you went out hunting, no matter how long it took, and you were fiercely loyal to RiverClan. I was proud of you.”

“But then something happened. I could sense it, moons ago. You grew… nastier. Crueler. You began lashing out at different Clanmates. Even Stormfur, who you used to have an amicable relationship, you seemed to want to antagonize. You were even cruel to your sister and seemed to always want to be involved in a fight with someone or something.” 

“I didn’t like the change you went through. I tried my best at all times to not compare you to Tigerstar, but your behavior then was always reminding me of him.” Looking down at the ground, she sighed, her whiskers drooping, “It also reminded me of myself back in the day.” 

“You seemed more battle-hungry too. It seemed like you were always looking for an excuse to scrap with another Clan. Every time another Clan was having drama with another Clan, you always wanted to be involved somehow,” Leopardstar meowed. Narrowing her eyes and flattening her ears back, her pupils turning to slits, she said, “You also grew more testy. Every time I held a Clan meeting, you seem bent of disagreeing with me. With challenging me at times. You usually backed down as soon as you sensed I was getting annoyed, but I noticed all the same.” 

“I had brushed you off back then as a young cat who didn’t know respect. But looking back now, those were the first signs that you wanted me gone, weren’t they? I refuse to believe that you were out to kill Firestar alone. No, you had to have had a plan of some kind. A plan that probably didn’t involve me being in it.”

Sighing, she said, “The horrible thing is, I noticed all of these signs, even back then. But I had brushed them off. I had simply thought that your changing was a product of all that happened. The change in territory, the trying to get back on our feet, the battle between Mudclaw and Onestar… maybe all of it combined simply had shifted your personality for the worst and that there was nothing I could do about it. I figured that you were your own cat and that I was too busy to try and fix a cat who I disagreed with.”

Suddenly, a wave of sadness came over her and she stared at the ground, as she choked out, “But that day, when I saw your body, with the stick of the fox trap jutting out of your neck, with Firestar and Brambleclaw reporting to me what happened, I couldn’t help but wonder, could I have prevented this?”

Looking to her side now, she said, “I often tell myself no. That you simply grew rotten over time and that you would’ve done it no matter what. But the thought still haunts me, you know? Maybe if I had been a kinder mentor to you, maybe. Maybe if I had talked with you when I was first showing signs. Maybe if I hadn’t let you have so much free-reign. I don’t know. I never _will_ know.” 

Bristling, she stood to her feet and hissed, “But somehow, even though I know that… why do I still feel like I failed you, somehow? I certainly failed myself. I wanted you to be better and instead you ended up just like your father. Dead and buried and rotten to the core.”

She glared at the rock a few heartbeats more, her claws unsheathed, as if she suspected his spirit to come up and challenge her. But as quickly as her temper had risen, it disappeared and she felt herself deflate, suddenly feeling exhausted and empty. Turning around to head back to camp, she finally meowed, “I have a Clan to return to now. I wasted enough time talking to you. Good luck, wherever you are.”

She began her journey back to RiverClan, but before she left, she turned her head one last time at the rock and said the phrase that she wanted to say since the very beginning. 

“I’m sorry.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is actually a remake of an old project of mine. I found that it fit this series I was creating, and I decided to fix it up and put it up here. I always wish we got to learn more about Leopardstar tbh. She is great. I also find it interesting she apprenticed Hawkfrost. Decided to explore that here. 
> 
> Also, let me tell you, both fics in this series have taught me how hard it is to write a dialogue-heavy story, oh my gosh. 
> 
> As always, critique is wanted and if you see a mistake, feel free to point it out and I will quickly fix!
> 
> Thank you, and have a great day!!


End file.
